I know, I've posted about this quite a lot over the years, but here we are again. It's September 11th. A day that changed the world forever. It's funny, but the rest of the year I can put the thoughts of this day behind me, and then September rolls around, the start of the school year comes, and I remember in vivid detail everything that happened that day. It's hard to believe it was 15 years ago.
This year I find myself especially torn over how I feel. On one hand, I refuse to watch the documentaries that have come out, I cry as soon as I start to see the imagery. On the other hand, I feel they are important to have. I was hit with a sudden realization, as I was browsing through Facebook and saw a meme about it, that the freshmen who are now sitting in my classroom were not alive when 9/11 happened. In fact, all the kids in my room have grown up being told about it, but they were all 5 or under, I doubt they really understood or even remember what happened that day.
And then I come to something kinda personal to me; my Requiem. Those who have known me for a long time, and those who have read my previous 9/11 journals, know that I have been working on one since 2002. For those of you who don't know what a Requiem is, it's a musical setting of the Catholic mass for the dead. Now, I'm not Catholic, but neither were many composers who have written them over the long years. I started working on it in my composition class in the Fall of 2002. I remember my professor saying something along the lines of "no great composer ever started with a Requiem" when he was introducing his class. We all had a good laugh, but two weeks later we hit the first 9/11 memorial. I remember sitting in service on campus that day, clutching a pamphlet that had photos from the memorials across the country, the songs we sang, and the firefighter's prayers. I remember our choir sang excerpts from several different Requiems, and I remember the idea hitting me like a car hitting a brick wall. It became the only thing I could think about. I wrote out the entire idea for each movement in a about two hours. Then, I got to work, plunking out melodies.
Then, life got in the way. I had classes to pass, a job to pay my growing bills, an obsession with RPGs at the time (this was the heyday of Wild and Crazy Moon...for those of you who know what that is). Eventually, the Requiem ended up on the back burned until the next September rolled around and I felt guilty about not finishing it. This pattern has continued over and over again for 14 years now.
So here I am, staring at a computer screen, watching the news with all the memorials again. I started thinking of working on the Requiem again a few days ago, but then a thought hit me. Is it really worth finishing at this point? With all the cries of "diversity" today, is a Requiem too religious or favoring one group too much? Has it been too long? Is it time to just let it go? Personally, I am still torn over the idea. Part of me says "You HAVE to finish it!" while the other part says "It's time to let go and move on." I don't know which side of me to listen to. The choral parts are finished, a couple movements are fully orchestrated, hell, last night I even finished mapping out the overture (which was only part of the whole thing I had done NO work on yet).
I know what needs to be done, and I know the reason it's not done yet is ME. What I need to do is be disciplined, get my school work and everything else done during the work day so that I can work on it at nights. Or maybe pick a holiday weekend and just be committed to working on it for more then an hour. The hardest part is inspiration always hits when I'm busy working on something else and I can't just drop what I'm doing and write.
Maybe I'm not the one that needs to finish it. Maybe I need to give what I have to someone more accomplished (though I have no idea who). But then I think that someone else will tear what I did apart to make it their own, and I don't know if they will understand all the symbolism I've built into it.
I don't know. I guess this is why I'm torn. I guess this is why it still hurts, at least for me. My heart is saying "get to work" but my mind keeps reminding me that I'm not worthy for something so momentous.
*sigh* If anyone is interested in hearing any of what I have, shoot me a message. Right now, I have to get to the store and then finish lesson plans for tomorrow before I can do anything else (a girl can't function with no food in the house).
Thanks for reading.